When I was a child, I'm afraid of someone I love dying on me... I thought it'll be a whole lot easier to die on them.. But as I grew older, I've learned that I'm also afraid of the burden, of the pain I'll inflict on the people that I'll left behind. I'm not afraid of dying... I'm afraid of the process I'll undergo when I did. Last year, I lost my gramps... And my whole being was so numb when I saw him lying lifeless... I cannot do anything but cry.. That's the most human thing to do at the moment. And I was so afraid, not for myself though.. But for my grams, for my uncles, for their pain... I'm so afraid for the loss, because that's something I cannot take away. And then my biological grandmother died as well, I was so afraid for my mother... I'm afraid that she's in a far away place, I was afraid that I cannot do anything.
I'm afraid of something I cannot control, I guess we all are. I'm afraid of pain. Any kind of pain... I'm afraid of being hurt and my capacity to hurt others.
I'm afraid of being human.
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